Helplessly Hoping

You know how when you are dissappointed, you spend the week moping and upset, unable to stop thinking about what went wrong? That is normal right? I mean, it is natural for someone to be upset, but eventually they get over it after sufficient time. My problem is that I can't get over some things no matter how much I want to, even if I have sufficient time. I am the type of person who can not stop thinking about what happened. A thousand thoughts go through my head of what I could have said or done differently, how I could have acted, the choice I should have made. Then, when a similar disappointment occurs it triggers other thoughts of other occurences. It seems to be a never ending cycle.

I am one who tends to hope that an outcome will be different from the expected one. Justifying that hope with thoughts like "you never know", "maybe if I try harder" or "I deserve this" even "that would be unfair it can not turn out that way." These thoughts bounce around from time to time, boosting my hope even higher. Then, when what is expected to happen happens, I'm demolished. Completely obliterated. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I build myself up to the point where it's ridiculous? I know in my heart what is really going to happen, and yet, I can't seem to make myself believe it. I want the exception to be for me.

I'm not saying that it is a bad thing to hope. "Hope is a thing with feathers that perches in the soul, that grows on wings of angels, and never stops at all" Madeline L'Engle. I truely believe that it should never be stopped, but I think that for me personally, I have to be more realistic in my helpless hoping. It is good to hope for things that could happen, but when they more than likely cannot, it is better to leave it alone.

The up side? Now that I've figured out my problem I'm working toward the solution. I can't say I'm cured, but I can say that because I am aware that I'm like this, it's easier to bring my self back to reality. Less moping, less worry, just being honest with myself makes an enormous difference.

Random Thoughts

So I have a ton of random thoughts floating around in my brain that are dying to get out. Song lyrics, should-of-said's, memories, want to say's and movie quotes. So here they are, in no particular order and with no explanations. (Sorry to disappoint.) But those of you who know me well will have a good idea of what I'm talking about.

• "Are you coming home with me?"
• Old....how could the time of passed by so quickly? It's like I tricked myself into believing that I had plenty of time, when really there's never enough.
• Why oh why did you have to get up at 6:30?? How is it possible for little kids to wake up so early but continue to have ample amounts of energy through out the day?
• I miss you
• "Why fit in...when you're born to stand out?"
• I'm not sure if this is such a good idea. It's not going to work out how you want it to, so maybe we should just forget about it. It could be easier that way.
• Maybe I haven't given you enough credit, you could be different than I expected
• "Take me away...a secret place...a sweet escape...take me away."
• Why don't you just stop beating around the bush and ask me out already? I promise I don't bite! And who knows? If you try to get to know me better, maybe you'll like what you find out.
• That is just plain awkward.
• "Will you stop trying to break up with me? You're always trying to break up with me and we're not even together."
• This is my life...am I who I wanna be?
• Do you ever think about me they way I do about you? Can you possibly feel the same way?
• I hate the postal system.
• You working in a mountain reminds me of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves...I wish I could see you more!

Just a few of my thoughts for you to scratch your heads over. To be honest I'm scratching my own head as well.

Inbetween

I've decided I miss the stage of being inbetween dating and not. My sister Sarah (the one inthe middle) is turning 16 in 9 days, and is in that very place. She likes this boy ever so much and he has definitely taken an interest in her. Sarah, was the child that swore she would never have a boyfriend or go on dates like I did. She said that boys were over rated and immature. I kept trying to tell her that it would happen to her eventually, and that I had similar view at her age. Now I am proven right, but admit I am slightly jealous at the position she is in. Right now she is in the stage where dating is new and exciting. There is no pressure, just fun...no expectations, just excitement. You know how it feels, when you get to hold someone's hand for the first time, and aren't sure what will happen next. It's an incredible feeling, and it's something I feel like I'm missing out on now.

I'm sure it doesn't have to be that way, but I feel like as you get older, it's easier to move into more of a committed relationship, more quickly. Who cares about holding hands when making out is more fun? Who needs to talk when there's tongue involved right? That is the attitude most people around me seem to have. I just want to get excited about the preliminary stages and be able to stay in that fun stage for a little bit longer when I'm in a relationship. I sort of feel like if a guy can let us stay in that place he's definitely worth sticking around for! There isn't a rush with me.

A Good Catch??

I have this image in my mind of the perfect one for me. Now granted, he's constantly changing as I meet more people with qualities I'm looking for, but I think it's safe to say that I have a general idea of what I want. You're probably reading this thinking I'm entirely too picky and I'll never find him...but let me enlighten you as to how I've become this way.

This process of putting together my "perfect guy" started about age 7, the year I decided that I was going to marry Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid. He was soooo dreamy, and who else could sail a sunken ship and stab Ursula while simultaneously electricuting her? I'm telling you he was a catch! Eric was quickly followed by Dmitri from Anastasia and Prince Phillip, and as I got older, Justin Timberlake (my preteen phase) and Shawn Hunter (from Boy Meets world.)
Eventually, I moved out of this "fictional" phase (though I'm still pining for Brad Pitt, George Clooney and James Marsden) and into "real life" dating. In junior high when I "went out" with boys I found out really quickly how stupid they can be. I learned right away that holding hands is super important, and that if it makes you uncomfortable, it's the wrong person's hand you're holding. Thank you Logan. Next there was David who showed me that I'm a flirt and can't date a jealous boy. There was pizza throwing involved... :) David was followed by Lee, my almost boyfriend who was probably the nicest guy to date. He was the one who helped me realize that I needed I guy to take charge in a relationship. (nothing happened because he didn't) but he also showed me that I needed someone I could talk to, and get excited about being around. Lee was followed by a slew of very random, and short lived crushes, until John. He helped me understand that guys don't know what they want, so they try to date a lot of girls to figure it out. John's problem was that he dated them all at once. Oops.
My first real boyfriend was Steve, and I believe he was the only one who taught me all the good things, nothing bad. He taught me how to meet people, how to laugh, how to take risks, how to be honest. Long story short, since him I've dated Spencer, work jerk with an attitude who never called, and BJ the cheater.
So the point I'm trying to make is that through all my experiences I've figured out what I want. The problem therefore, is that I keep having people tell me what I want and that I'm to picky, but really, isn't it better that I know what I want? Won't that save me and everyone else a lot of heartache? People keep trying to set me up and wonder why I don't like who they choose, but ultimately it is up to me right?

How many ways can you say entrancing?

Okay, So I don't know how many of you have seen the movie "Dear Frankie," but I watched it last night and became entranced in the absolute beauty of the movie. Have you ever watched something and became momentarily breathless? This is how this movie made me feel. Honestly, tears came to my eyes, and not because the movie was sad at all but because I was captivated by it. The last time I was this mystified about what I watched in a movie was the first time I saw Elizabethtown. Words, storylines, characters, actors...forgettable. The film's ability to pull you in by it's cinematography alone is what makes it memorable. This along with music, can create an image the viewer never forgets. (as you can probably figure out, I highly recommend this movie.)
Watching this movie was a perfect escape from the rest of the world. Right now my life consists of playing mom to a family of 5 kids while their parents are out of town. Unfortunately this family isn't the Cleavers, so they have a set of problems and stresses all their own. It's hard to come in unaware of the issues and feel comfortable in an environment like that. So let's just say the escape was a welcome one.
On a lighter note...wait does anyone have a lighter note?