Helplessly Hoping

You know how when you are dissappointed, you spend the week moping and upset, unable to stop thinking about what went wrong? That is normal right? I mean, it is natural for someone to be upset, but eventually they get over it after sufficient time. My problem is that I can't get over some things no matter how much I want to, even if I have sufficient time. I am the type of person who can not stop thinking about what happened. A thousand thoughts go through my head of what I could have said or done differently, how I could have acted, the choice I should have made. Then, when a similar disappointment occurs it triggers other thoughts of other occurences. It seems to be a never ending cycle.

I am one who tends to hope that an outcome will be different from the expected one. Justifying that hope with thoughts like "you never know", "maybe if I try harder" or "I deserve this" even "that would be unfair it can not turn out that way." These thoughts bounce around from time to time, boosting my hope even higher. Then, when what is expected to happen happens, I'm demolished. Completely obliterated. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I build myself up to the point where it's ridiculous? I know in my heart what is really going to happen, and yet, I can't seem to make myself believe it. I want the exception to be for me.

I'm not saying that it is a bad thing to hope. "Hope is a thing with feathers that perches in the soul, that grows on wings of angels, and never stops at all" Madeline L'Engle. I truely believe that it should never be stopped, but I think that for me personally, I have to be more realistic in my helpless hoping. It is good to hope for things that could happen, but when they more than likely cannot, it is better to leave it alone.

The up side? Now that I've figured out my problem I'm working toward the solution. I can't say I'm cured, but I can say that because I am aware that I'm like this, it's easier to bring my self back to reality. Less moping, less worry, just being honest with myself makes an enormous difference.

Random Thoughts

So I have a ton of random thoughts floating around in my brain that are dying to get out. Song lyrics, should-of-said's, memories, want to say's and movie quotes. So here they are, in no particular order and with no explanations. (Sorry to disappoint.) But those of you who know me well will have a good idea of what I'm talking about.

• "Are you coming home with me?"
• Old....how could the time of passed by so quickly? It's like I tricked myself into believing that I had plenty of time, when really there's never enough.
• Why oh why did you have to get up at 6:30?? How is it possible for little kids to wake up so early but continue to have ample amounts of energy through out the day?
• I miss you
• "Why fit in...when you're born to stand out?"
• I'm not sure if this is such a good idea. It's not going to work out how you want it to, so maybe we should just forget about it. It could be easier that way.
• Maybe I haven't given you enough credit, you could be different than I expected
• "Take me away...a secret place...a sweet escape...take me away."
• Why don't you just stop beating around the bush and ask me out already? I promise I don't bite! And who knows? If you try to get to know me better, maybe you'll like what you find out.
• That is just plain awkward.
• "Will you stop trying to break up with me? You're always trying to break up with me and we're not even together."
• This is my life...am I who I wanna be?
• Do you ever think about me they way I do about you? Can you possibly feel the same way?
• I hate the postal system.
• You working in a mountain reminds me of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves...I wish I could see you more!

Just a few of my thoughts for you to scratch your heads over. To be honest I'm scratching my own head as well.