You know how when you are dissappointed, you spend the week moping and upset, unable to stop thinking about what went wrong? That is normal right? I mean, it is natural for someone to be upset, but eventually they get over it after sufficient time. My problem is that I can't get over some things no matter how much I want to, even if I have sufficient time. I am the type of person who can not stop thinking about what happened. A thousand thoughts go through my head of what I could have said or done differently, how I could have acted, the choice I should have made. Then, when a similar disappointment occurs it triggers other thoughts of other occurences. It seems to be a never ending cycle.
I am one who tends to hope that an outcome will be different from the expected one. Justifying that hope with thoughts like "you never know", "maybe if I try harder" or "I deserve this" even "that would be unfair it can not turn out that way." These thoughts bounce around from time to time, boosting my hope even higher. Then, when what is expected to happen happens, I'm demolished. Completely obliterated. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I build myself up to the point where it's ridiculous? I know in my heart what is really going to happen, and yet, I can't seem to make myself believe it. I want the exception to be for me.
I'm not saying that it is a bad thing to hope. "Hope is a thing with feathers that perches in the soul, that grows on wings of angels, and never stops at all" Madeline L'Engle. I truely believe that it should never be stopped, but I think that for me personally, I have to be more realistic in my helpless hoping. It is good to hope for things that could happen, but when they more than likely cannot, it is better to leave it alone.
The up side? Now that I've figured out my problem I'm working toward the solution. I can't say I'm cured, but I can say that because I am aware that I'm like this, it's easier to bring my self back to reality. Less moping, less worry, just being honest with myself makes an enormous difference.
emmeline's two months
2 weeks ago
2 comments:
Not being able to get over things is normal too. But its good you feel like your makin progress!
I'd say your relentless hope is more of a gift than a curse. Sometimes it can be painful, especially when things don't work out they way they should, especially in this case, but it's the greatest part of who you are. Some people are born pessimists. I'd say you're just the opposite.
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