Running on Empty

If you think this post is about my car, you are sorely mistaken! This year at school I am beginning the hardest phase of college. Not only are my classes becoming more difficult, but I am also taking on a car payment, tuition payments, as well as a job at Deseret First Credit Union.

Initially I knew it was going to be hard. I figured that it'd take a lot out of me the first couple of days of school, but I didn't imagine that I would be soooo tired! I go from 7:30 to 6:30 everyday without a real break. Even though I am sitting in class and at my job, mentally I have to be there. I feel like I just go and go and go and unfortunately I don't have the energy to do that. So I don't know how I am doing all that I'm doing but it's happening. I know it's a cheesy phrase but I'm finding the strength I never knew I had.

So other than running a million miles a minute I think this year is going to be really great for me! My roommates are adorable girls, all extremely nice. They like to go out and do things and always invite me to come along which is definitely a bonus cause I get to know more people. My ward is full of fun people, and I like my job. I feel like I can really make this work. It's going to be hard, but it will be so worth it! And I can do it, I don't need anyone else to help me. I can do it! What an amazing feeling.

Fake

Can you tell when other people are acting fake?

Today in the break room I had someone ask me when I was going to school. As we talked about it, he had mentioned he had two boys that were going back to college that felt the same way as I did. What happened next was sort of an out of body experience. It was like I didn't realize what I was doing but I could see it plain as day... I was fake laughing. It was the sort of laugh you hear when you are humoring someone who thinks they are incredibly witty. There was nothing in it that sounded (to me) to be sincere, and no part of it whatsoever sounded remotely like what I usually sound like when I laugh. I tried to make it sound convincing, and not so uncomfortable but I think I made it worse. My only thought as I left the break room was, "Ugh, I hope I don't normally sound like that. It sounded so fake!"

Of course it wasn't a big deal, it wasn't as if we were having a deep discussion and I was being shallow, it was just a quick lunch room chat and wasn't that important in the long run. But I could have sounded more interested. I am a person who loves talking to people when I know they're really listening. Should I not do them the same courtesy? I can tell when others are laughing out of politeness or aren't really interested in what I'm saying. So now I am all paranoid thinking "Do I sound like that all the time?" and "I wonder if he could tell that I was being phony..." What a horrible feeling it is to know that I didn't sound at all sincere. Yuck!

Self Control

Recently my mom, my sister have convinced me to eat healthier. They call it a diet, I call it torture. Have you seen that Pediasure commercial where a Mom is continually putting healthy food into her shopping cart and with each addition receives a sassy remark from her daughter claiming "I don't think I like... (fill in healthy food here)" Well, unfortunately in this scenario I am the little girl and "I don't think I like broccoli."

I have always been a pretty good eater, in my mind the healthy foods usually out-weigh the non-healthy. There are some days when I just crave a salad loaded with green pepper, cucumber and carrots. Other days I am more in the mood for a Turkey Sandwich on wheat bread or a chicken vegetable wrap. The problem is, this healthy food is usually paired with fruit snacks, chips or even occasionally a doughnut and though this food does not CANCEL OUT the healthy, it definitely adds to it.

So you see it isn't that I hate healthy food, I just like unhealthy food better. Who in their right mind would choose brocolli and cauliflower over chips and salsa? I can immediately tell you, I sure wouldn't. You can imagine my distress when I opened my lunch sack (that I packed by the way) to find 3 deli turkey slices, snap peas and grapes. It is taking all of my self control right now to resist driving to a Wendy's down the street for a JBC.

The funny thing is, I know I feel better when I eat good things. I can run harder, pay attention longer and even sleep better. All incentives to be a healthier eater. But you know those long days when all you want in the world is a Chocolate Dipped Ice Cream from Dairy Queen. Those are the days that make and break me. That is the difference between pound loss and pound gain. Those are the days when I must say..."I have power over you my stomach. You will not defeat me." I am to a point where I can say that, but believing it is harder than it may seem.