"Mom Mode"

After a day of being constantly on my feet, I came home from the Library yesterday only to find my roommate Melissa lying in bed with a fever. I soon found out that she had been in bed all day with the worst of flu symptoms. She'd had nothing to eat all day and was basically immobile, she even told me this morning that she had no recollection of us talking to her last night.

It was a lovely situation to walk into after an unbelievably long day. However last night I realized something about myself. I have a "mom mode" that somehow switches on whenever someone close to me is hurting, physically and emotionally. For example, last night I became instantly concerned with how Melissa was doing. I felt the need to feel her forehead, check her temperature, and made sure she was drinking enough fluids. Normally, I'll be honest, sick people freak me out. In this case however I was so worried about my roommate being miserable that I just had to take care of her. Even now I find myself texting my other roommates to make sure Melissa is resting and drinking water. I was overwhelmed at first, I didn't realize that I had this side of me, but luckily my roommate Mandy's mom mode had switched on before mine and she was quick to put me to work helping Melissa. I was suprised that we both had this within us, when our other roommates didn't seem to have it at all.

Now that I know I can do this, there is no limit to what I can do! Huzzah! It's such an empowering feeling to know I have this ability within me.

Digging Deeper

A friend posed a question to me yesterday that really made me think and in fact, I have been unable to stop thinking about it. As we were sitting outside and I was talking to her about how my life was going she asked me, point blank," Megan do you know who you really are?" She said she'd been thinking about it herself lately and was wondering if I had ever thought about it. I began spouting ideas of who I think I am: a singer; a student; a tellar; a pianist; diet coke lover; a music listener; a single, 5 ft 4, brown haired, blue eyed, almost-20-year-old, LDS girl.

Pretty self explanatory answers right? These are things that I do and that defines who I am, right? Well, to an extent it is right. I love music, it is a huge part of who I am. I feel like I am a hard worker who tries hard to succeed. I am happy to be that. However, then she through me another question that changed the way I had viewed the first. She said, "No Megan, I know your talents are a huge part of who you are, but with out all those things who are you?"

This question has caused me to reflect more on what I am on the inside. What do I think about, how do I feel about specific things, what do I believe in. Those things will stay with me no matter what happens. If my voice goes, when I'm done at this job or finished with school, when I can't drink diet coke anymore cause it's bad for you what will make me...me? Something to think about.

The Dream Doctor

When I was five, I had a recurring dream that there were snakes covering every inch of my house. I haven't cared for them since.

Now, since I have moved up to college, I have had another recurring dream. I have had this dream 3 times in the last 2 weeks. Strange right? But what is even stranger is that these are not the first occurences of the dream. Last year at school, I had dreams with the same people, places and themes. So what do they mean?

What are these dreams about you might ask? Well that is personal. But my point is, why would I continue to have the same dream. Is it a sign? Is the dream going to come true? Or is the dream not going to come true and I should prepare myself for the worst? Dreams are manifestations of our unconscious or something right? The problem is that if they're supposed to be telling me what I secretly want or hope for, shouldn't I have some idea of what that is?

Running on Empty

If you think this post is about my car, you are sorely mistaken! This year at school I am beginning the hardest phase of college. Not only are my classes becoming more difficult, but I am also taking on a car payment, tuition payments, as well as a job at Deseret First Credit Union.

Initially I knew it was going to be hard. I figured that it'd take a lot out of me the first couple of days of school, but I didn't imagine that I would be soooo tired! I go from 7:30 to 6:30 everyday without a real break. Even though I am sitting in class and at my job, mentally I have to be there. I feel like I just go and go and go and unfortunately I don't have the energy to do that. So I don't know how I am doing all that I'm doing but it's happening. I know it's a cheesy phrase but I'm finding the strength I never knew I had.

So other than running a million miles a minute I think this year is going to be really great for me! My roommates are adorable girls, all extremely nice. They like to go out and do things and always invite me to come along which is definitely a bonus cause I get to know more people. My ward is full of fun people, and I like my job. I feel like I can really make this work. It's going to be hard, but it will be so worth it! And I can do it, I don't need anyone else to help me. I can do it! What an amazing feeling.

Fake

Can you tell when other people are acting fake?

Today in the break room I had someone ask me when I was going to school. As we talked about it, he had mentioned he had two boys that were going back to college that felt the same way as I did. What happened next was sort of an out of body experience. It was like I didn't realize what I was doing but I could see it plain as day... I was fake laughing. It was the sort of laugh you hear when you are humoring someone who thinks they are incredibly witty. There was nothing in it that sounded (to me) to be sincere, and no part of it whatsoever sounded remotely like what I usually sound like when I laugh. I tried to make it sound convincing, and not so uncomfortable but I think I made it worse. My only thought as I left the break room was, "Ugh, I hope I don't normally sound like that. It sounded so fake!"

Of course it wasn't a big deal, it wasn't as if we were having a deep discussion and I was being shallow, it was just a quick lunch room chat and wasn't that important in the long run. But I could have sounded more interested. I am a person who loves talking to people when I know they're really listening. Should I not do them the same courtesy? I can tell when others are laughing out of politeness or aren't really interested in what I'm saying. So now I am all paranoid thinking "Do I sound like that all the time?" and "I wonder if he could tell that I was being phony..." What a horrible feeling it is to know that I didn't sound at all sincere. Yuck!