It's Been Awhile

So my blogging hasn't been as up to date as I'd like it to be lately, but I've decided that when I'm busy, the last thing I want to do is write about how busy I am. So here are all of the fabulous thoughts, feelings, quotes, song lyrics, and significant events rolling around in my head. This is the only way I know to get them out. Yes it is time for another fabulous bullet list!

• "Me and snow, we're through!"
• All four seasons of LOST! Hooray!
• Thank heavens for snow plows, and good tires.
• "I wish I had a river, I could skate away on."
• It's hard that you live so far away.
• Math is out to get me, and I might not escape.
• I am much to young to have a good friend married!
• Christmas came and went much faster than I would have liked.
• Too much, too fast.
• I wish I could be home more.
• "Have the courage to fail big and stick around! Make em' wonder why your still smilin'."
• Would you please just let me talk! No second guessing.
• I hope that you're really happy, and not just putting up a front because you're too sad to live your life the same way.
• My sisters are extremely important to me, spending time with them keeps me sane.
• Why do I still miss you?
• I hope they call me on a mission...well somedays anyway.
• I love knowing that you see me as an adult, with the ability to make my own decisions.
• "So what, I am a rock star, got my rock boots....boots?" Isn't it moves?
• Did I do something to offend you, or do you just not like me for no reason?
• "If....if is good."
• I have lost my faith in the US postal system...
• Still not sure how and if you fit
• "That and my pants are filled with starfish."..."You and your hobbies."

So as you can see, my head is filled with lots of confusing and sometimes contradicting thoughts. I guess the biggest problem is that right now, I don't know what I want. That indecision is creates problems in all aspects of my life: friends, family, school, work, relationships, and even church. So I guess the main question is what do I want?

Diet Coke Crisis

Diet Coke...mmm...I am not afraid to admit that I am an addict. Fully aware of what caffeine does to you, I drink it anyway. When you are subject to migraines like the women in my family are, Diet Coke is a necessity of life. This week was one of the frequent occasions that a migraine decided to take over my life. Naturally, I have relied on Diet Coke and Excedrin for relief, like many of the women before me. Today however, every Diet Coke machine in the world decided that they wanted me to suffer.

At about 10:00 this morning my head was throbbing so I decided that I needed my fix. I had some time between classes, so I thought I'd drop by the Cafe' in the library and get a fountain drink. I had my money all ready to go, and was impaciently waiting when, much to my dismay, I was informed that the Coke was out. NO!!! I couldn't believe my ears, and the pain in my head worsened at the disappointment. I left the library and crossed the street to the Education building where I had my next class. I turned the corner by the stairs and...FATE! There was a coke machine just waiting for me. I got my money out, but unfortunately the stupid machine didn't take dollar bills. So in order to get enough change I bought a 50 cent gum pack in the food machine next to it, ( I was desperate ) and somehow scrounged the $1.25 necessary. I put my change in and punched in B5, my vending machine number of choice. The screen said vending, but nothing happened! NOTHING! My money came spewing out of the coin return and the machine suddenly said, OUT OF ORDER. This could not be happening to me? It just couldn't be. Very frustrated now, I trudged into the Tech building for yet another boring and unhelpful math session. As I walked in, I noticed yet another coke machine in the hallway. I thought, 'What the Heck, I might as well try it right?' WRONG! After making my selection, the words SOLD OUT flashed across the screen. I just about broke down right then and there. The whole world was against me? How could Diet Coke betray me like that? After all the years I've given to it, how could it do that to me?

I walked home in the pouring, and I mean pouring rain. By the time I got home I looked like I had showered again. My shoes squidged and my nose was frozen, but I didn't care... all I could do was think about how Diet Coke let me down.

Don't worry, I finally got one before work. Perserverance people...

Love

I'm stealing this idea from another blog because I think it's something I need to write...

I love my roommates... I love cafe rio... I love watching old movies... I love walking in the rain... I love Edouard Manet's paintings... I love finding seashells... I love living in Logan... I love flirting... I love to play the piano... I love getting my paycheck... I love missionaries... I love wearing pretty dresses... I love making cake... I love LOST... I love chex muddy buddies... I love it when I balance at work... I love learning a new language...I love Broadway... I love Sascha, Carrie, Jessie, Brianna, Rachel and Jen... I love wearing sweats 2 sizes too big... I love it when my room is clean... I love the jokes on laffy taffy wrappers... I love Lion House Rolls... I love four wheeling... I love watching football in the rain... I love seeing my parents holding hands... I love Switchfoot and Regina Spektor... I love Diet Coke... I love testimony meeting... I love cucumbers... I love the feeling I get after running... I love watching the RedSox... I love getting mail...I love writing letters... I love Jack's missing tooth grin... I love playing in the leaves... I love to tease... I love holding sleeping babies... I love engagement stories... I love Elizabethtown... I love waking Sarah up in the morning... I love bear hugs... I love to play volleyball... I love the temple... I love taking pictures... I love overcast weather... I love driving up the canyon...I love the first snow... I love watching Smallville with Abby... I love the smell of a new book... I love my bright red Honda... I love British and Austrailian accents... I love listening to Max do Buzz Lightyear sounds... I love brushing my teeth... I love looking at the stars... I love hearing the wind outside my window... I love red headed people, Becky and Katelyn... I love Singing... I love not wearing make up... I love the Office... I love talking to my brother about girls... I love my mom's sweet dance moves... I love Audrey Hepburn... I love it when my Grandparents Boucher bicker... I love climbing trees... I love playing a part in a Musical or Play... I love the smell of freshly cut grass... I love Aggie Ice cream... I love USU Campus at night... I love playing dress up... I love the Nordstrom sale... I love wearing sweaters... I love taking long naps... I love reading the scriptures... I love playing Spoons... I love learning a new song on the guitar... I love the symphony... I love the scrapbook store... I love the smell of coffee... I love Seth's "Megan...look at me!" ... I love President Monson... I love swimming... I love when my dad leaves me messages... I love New York... I love falling in Love...

"Mom Mode"

After a day of being constantly on my feet, I came home from the Library yesterday only to find my roommate Melissa lying in bed with a fever. I soon found out that she had been in bed all day with the worst of flu symptoms. She'd had nothing to eat all day and was basically immobile, she even told me this morning that she had no recollection of us talking to her last night.

It was a lovely situation to walk into after an unbelievably long day. However last night I realized something about myself. I have a "mom mode" that somehow switches on whenever someone close to me is hurting, physically and emotionally. For example, last night I became instantly concerned with how Melissa was doing. I felt the need to feel her forehead, check her temperature, and made sure she was drinking enough fluids. Normally, I'll be honest, sick people freak me out. In this case however I was so worried about my roommate being miserable that I just had to take care of her. Even now I find myself texting my other roommates to make sure Melissa is resting and drinking water. I was overwhelmed at first, I didn't realize that I had this side of me, but luckily my roommate Mandy's mom mode had switched on before mine and she was quick to put me to work helping Melissa. I was suprised that we both had this within us, when our other roommates didn't seem to have it at all.

Now that I know I can do this, there is no limit to what I can do! Huzzah! It's such an empowering feeling to know I have this ability within me.

Digging Deeper

A friend posed a question to me yesterday that really made me think and in fact, I have been unable to stop thinking about it. As we were sitting outside and I was talking to her about how my life was going she asked me, point blank," Megan do you know who you really are?" She said she'd been thinking about it herself lately and was wondering if I had ever thought about it. I began spouting ideas of who I think I am: a singer; a student; a tellar; a pianist; diet coke lover; a music listener; a single, 5 ft 4, brown haired, blue eyed, almost-20-year-old, LDS girl.

Pretty self explanatory answers right? These are things that I do and that defines who I am, right? Well, to an extent it is right. I love music, it is a huge part of who I am. I feel like I am a hard worker who tries hard to succeed. I am happy to be that. However, then she through me another question that changed the way I had viewed the first. She said, "No Megan, I know your talents are a huge part of who you are, but with out all those things who are you?"

This question has caused me to reflect more on what I am on the inside. What do I think about, how do I feel about specific things, what do I believe in. Those things will stay with me no matter what happens. If my voice goes, when I'm done at this job or finished with school, when I can't drink diet coke anymore cause it's bad for you what will make me...me? Something to think about.

The Dream Doctor

When I was five, I had a recurring dream that there were snakes covering every inch of my house. I haven't cared for them since.

Now, since I have moved up to college, I have had another recurring dream. I have had this dream 3 times in the last 2 weeks. Strange right? But what is even stranger is that these are not the first occurences of the dream. Last year at school, I had dreams with the same people, places and themes. So what do they mean?

What are these dreams about you might ask? Well that is personal. But my point is, why would I continue to have the same dream. Is it a sign? Is the dream going to come true? Or is the dream not going to come true and I should prepare myself for the worst? Dreams are manifestations of our unconscious or something right? The problem is that if they're supposed to be telling me what I secretly want or hope for, shouldn't I have some idea of what that is?

Running on Empty

If you think this post is about my car, you are sorely mistaken! This year at school I am beginning the hardest phase of college. Not only are my classes becoming more difficult, but I am also taking on a car payment, tuition payments, as well as a job at Deseret First Credit Union.

Initially I knew it was going to be hard. I figured that it'd take a lot out of me the first couple of days of school, but I didn't imagine that I would be soooo tired! I go from 7:30 to 6:30 everyday without a real break. Even though I am sitting in class and at my job, mentally I have to be there. I feel like I just go and go and go and unfortunately I don't have the energy to do that. So I don't know how I am doing all that I'm doing but it's happening. I know it's a cheesy phrase but I'm finding the strength I never knew I had.

So other than running a million miles a minute I think this year is going to be really great for me! My roommates are adorable girls, all extremely nice. They like to go out and do things and always invite me to come along which is definitely a bonus cause I get to know more people. My ward is full of fun people, and I like my job. I feel like I can really make this work. It's going to be hard, but it will be so worth it! And I can do it, I don't need anyone else to help me. I can do it! What an amazing feeling.

Fake

Can you tell when other people are acting fake?

Today in the break room I had someone ask me when I was going to school. As we talked about it, he had mentioned he had two boys that were going back to college that felt the same way as I did. What happened next was sort of an out of body experience. It was like I didn't realize what I was doing but I could see it plain as day... I was fake laughing. It was the sort of laugh you hear when you are humoring someone who thinks they are incredibly witty. There was nothing in it that sounded (to me) to be sincere, and no part of it whatsoever sounded remotely like what I usually sound like when I laugh. I tried to make it sound convincing, and not so uncomfortable but I think I made it worse. My only thought as I left the break room was, "Ugh, I hope I don't normally sound like that. It sounded so fake!"

Of course it wasn't a big deal, it wasn't as if we were having a deep discussion and I was being shallow, it was just a quick lunch room chat and wasn't that important in the long run. But I could have sounded more interested. I am a person who loves talking to people when I know they're really listening. Should I not do them the same courtesy? I can tell when others are laughing out of politeness or aren't really interested in what I'm saying. So now I am all paranoid thinking "Do I sound like that all the time?" and "I wonder if he could tell that I was being phony..." What a horrible feeling it is to know that I didn't sound at all sincere. Yuck!

Self Control

Recently my mom, my sister have convinced me to eat healthier. They call it a diet, I call it torture. Have you seen that Pediasure commercial where a Mom is continually putting healthy food into her shopping cart and with each addition receives a sassy remark from her daughter claiming "I don't think I like... (fill in healthy food here)" Well, unfortunately in this scenario I am the little girl and "I don't think I like broccoli."

I have always been a pretty good eater, in my mind the healthy foods usually out-weigh the non-healthy. There are some days when I just crave a salad loaded with green pepper, cucumber and carrots. Other days I am more in the mood for a Turkey Sandwich on wheat bread or a chicken vegetable wrap. The problem is, this healthy food is usually paired with fruit snacks, chips or even occasionally a doughnut and though this food does not CANCEL OUT the healthy, it definitely adds to it.

So you see it isn't that I hate healthy food, I just like unhealthy food better. Who in their right mind would choose brocolli and cauliflower over chips and salsa? I can immediately tell you, I sure wouldn't. You can imagine my distress when I opened my lunch sack (that I packed by the way) to find 3 deli turkey slices, snap peas and grapes. It is taking all of my self control right now to resist driving to a Wendy's down the street for a JBC.

The funny thing is, I know I feel better when I eat good things. I can run harder, pay attention longer and even sleep better. All incentives to be a healthier eater. But you know those long days when all you want in the world is a Chocolate Dipped Ice Cream from Dairy Queen. Those are the days that make and break me. That is the difference between pound loss and pound gain. Those are the days when I must say..."I have power over you my stomach. You will not defeat me." I am to a point where I can say that, but believing it is harder than it may seem.

Newest Obsession

I have decided to finally say this out loud. I am addicted to LOST. There it's out...whew! I feel so much better now. I can not go one day without watching this incredible show. If I have to wait to find out what happens, I think I would go crazy.

This latest obsession began when my friends Carrie and Sascha decided that LOST was their new favorite show. I never had any real desire to watch it, but because they insisted it was great, I decided to give it a try. Preparing myself for boredom, or lameness I reluctantly turned it on. From the first episode, no I take that back, the first five minutes I was hooked! I have never watched a show in which the characters are so intense, complicated and even in some cases intertwined. Each character has the most interesting back story! The plot is told through everyone's perspective not just one person's point of view. And honestly, just look at him! He's hot...and makes it all worth it.

So there, it's out, I love LOST! Don't believe me? See for yourself.

The Countdown Begins

So we're past the half way point. Summer is officially winding down, and the countdown to moving back has begun. 32 days..This may seem like a long time to some, but to me it will be the shortest 32 days of my life. My summer's end is chock full of places to go, people to see, errands to run, supplies to buy, bank accounts to deplete and things to pack. No, a month is not a lot of time at all.

It's not as if I don't want to go back. I'm just suffering the same anxiety that comes to every student when summer ends. You know, when swim suit racks are replaced with sweater sets, when beach bags are replaced with back packs, when adventure novels are replaced with textbooks. I almost cried when I saw a "Back to School Sale" sign in the window of a store in the mall.

For me this anxiety seems extremely poignant when I think about having to once again pack up and move out away from home. I've done this routine before, and have never liked it. Once I get to school I'm fine, but the days leading up to the move are definitely stressful, not to mention emotional. The fear of living with someone new, budgeting my money, holding down a new part time job, making a car payment, even doing my own laundry and making my own dinner sets in. Ridiculous fears that I should be over because I've done it all before, (with the exception of a car payment, and the job) so why can't I face them?

I think it all comes down to this...I like living at home. There, I said it. I am not the type of person who will go crazy if I don't move out. Of course I like living on my own away from home, but I wouldn't kill over if I had to stay at home. So if I feel this way why not just stay? Because I need the experience. It is good for me to do hard things. There are so many lessons I still need to learn and I can't learn them if I don't go out on a limb and try something new. Even if I'm doing it alone.

Helplessly Hoping

You know how when you are dissappointed, you spend the week moping and upset, unable to stop thinking about what went wrong? That is normal right? I mean, it is natural for someone to be upset, but eventually they get over it after sufficient time. My problem is that I can't get over some things no matter how much I want to, even if I have sufficient time. I am the type of person who can not stop thinking about what happened. A thousand thoughts go through my head of what I could have said or done differently, how I could have acted, the choice I should have made. Then, when a similar disappointment occurs it triggers other thoughts of other occurences. It seems to be a never ending cycle.

I am one who tends to hope that an outcome will be different from the expected one. Justifying that hope with thoughts like "you never know", "maybe if I try harder" or "I deserve this" even "that would be unfair it can not turn out that way." These thoughts bounce around from time to time, boosting my hope even higher. Then, when what is expected to happen happens, I'm demolished. Completely obliterated. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I build myself up to the point where it's ridiculous? I know in my heart what is really going to happen, and yet, I can't seem to make myself believe it. I want the exception to be for me.

I'm not saying that it is a bad thing to hope. "Hope is a thing with feathers that perches in the soul, that grows on wings of angels, and never stops at all" Madeline L'Engle. I truely believe that it should never be stopped, but I think that for me personally, I have to be more realistic in my helpless hoping. It is good to hope for things that could happen, but when they more than likely cannot, it is better to leave it alone.

The up side? Now that I've figured out my problem I'm working toward the solution. I can't say I'm cured, but I can say that because I am aware that I'm like this, it's easier to bring my self back to reality. Less moping, less worry, just being honest with myself makes an enormous difference.

Random Thoughts

So I have a ton of random thoughts floating around in my brain that are dying to get out. Song lyrics, should-of-said's, memories, want to say's and movie quotes. So here they are, in no particular order and with no explanations. (Sorry to disappoint.) But those of you who know me well will have a good idea of what I'm talking about.

• "Are you coming home with me?"
• Old....how could the time of passed by so quickly? It's like I tricked myself into believing that I had plenty of time, when really there's never enough.
• Why oh why did you have to get up at 6:30?? How is it possible for little kids to wake up so early but continue to have ample amounts of energy through out the day?
• I miss you
• "Why fit in...when you're born to stand out?"
• I'm not sure if this is such a good idea. It's not going to work out how you want it to, so maybe we should just forget about it. It could be easier that way.
• Maybe I haven't given you enough credit, you could be different than I expected
• "Take me away...a secret place...a sweet escape...take me away."
• Why don't you just stop beating around the bush and ask me out already? I promise I don't bite! And who knows? If you try to get to know me better, maybe you'll like what you find out.
• That is just plain awkward.
• "Will you stop trying to break up with me? You're always trying to break up with me and we're not even together."
• This is my life...am I who I wanna be?
• Do you ever think about me they way I do about you? Can you possibly feel the same way?
• I hate the postal system.
• You working in a mountain reminds me of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves...I wish I could see you more!

Just a few of my thoughts for you to scratch your heads over. To be honest I'm scratching my own head as well.

Inbetween

I've decided I miss the stage of being inbetween dating and not. My sister Sarah (the one inthe middle) is turning 16 in 9 days, and is in that very place. She likes this boy ever so much and he has definitely taken an interest in her. Sarah, was the child that swore she would never have a boyfriend or go on dates like I did. She said that boys were over rated and immature. I kept trying to tell her that it would happen to her eventually, and that I had similar view at her age. Now I am proven right, but admit I am slightly jealous at the position she is in. Right now she is in the stage where dating is new and exciting. There is no pressure, just fun...no expectations, just excitement. You know how it feels, when you get to hold someone's hand for the first time, and aren't sure what will happen next. It's an incredible feeling, and it's something I feel like I'm missing out on now.

I'm sure it doesn't have to be that way, but I feel like as you get older, it's easier to move into more of a committed relationship, more quickly. Who cares about holding hands when making out is more fun? Who needs to talk when there's tongue involved right? That is the attitude most people around me seem to have. I just want to get excited about the preliminary stages and be able to stay in that fun stage for a little bit longer when I'm in a relationship. I sort of feel like if a guy can let us stay in that place he's definitely worth sticking around for! There isn't a rush with me.

A Good Catch??

I have this image in my mind of the perfect one for me. Now granted, he's constantly changing as I meet more people with qualities I'm looking for, but I think it's safe to say that I have a general idea of what I want. You're probably reading this thinking I'm entirely too picky and I'll never find him...but let me enlighten you as to how I've become this way.

This process of putting together my "perfect guy" started about age 7, the year I decided that I was going to marry Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid. He was soooo dreamy, and who else could sail a sunken ship and stab Ursula while simultaneously electricuting her? I'm telling you he was a catch! Eric was quickly followed by Dmitri from Anastasia and Prince Phillip, and as I got older, Justin Timberlake (my preteen phase) and Shawn Hunter (from Boy Meets world.)
Eventually, I moved out of this "fictional" phase (though I'm still pining for Brad Pitt, George Clooney and James Marsden) and into "real life" dating. In junior high when I "went out" with boys I found out really quickly how stupid they can be. I learned right away that holding hands is super important, and that if it makes you uncomfortable, it's the wrong person's hand you're holding. Thank you Logan. Next there was David who showed me that I'm a flirt and can't date a jealous boy. There was pizza throwing involved... :) David was followed by Lee, my almost boyfriend who was probably the nicest guy to date. He was the one who helped me realize that I needed I guy to take charge in a relationship. (nothing happened because he didn't) but he also showed me that I needed someone I could talk to, and get excited about being around. Lee was followed by a slew of very random, and short lived crushes, until John. He helped me understand that guys don't know what they want, so they try to date a lot of girls to figure it out. John's problem was that he dated them all at once. Oops.
My first real boyfriend was Steve, and I believe he was the only one who taught me all the good things, nothing bad. He taught me how to meet people, how to laugh, how to take risks, how to be honest. Long story short, since him I've dated Spencer, work jerk with an attitude who never called, and BJ the cheater.
So the point I'm trying to make is that through all my experiences I've figured out what I want. The problem therefore, is that I keep having people tell me what I want and that I'm to picky, but really, isn't it better that I know what I want? Won't that save me and everyone else a lot of heartache? People keep trying to set me up and wonder why I don't like who they choose, but ultimately it is up to me right?

How many ways can you say entrancing?

Okay, So I don't know how many of you have seen the movie "Dear Frankie," but I watched it last night and became entranced in the absolute beauty of the movie. Have you ever watched something and became momentarily breathless? This is how this movie made me feel. Honestly, tears came to my eyes, and not because the movie was sad at all but because I was captivated by it. The last time I was this mystified about what I watched in a movie was the first time I saw Elizabethtown. Words, storylines, characters, actors...forgettable. The film's ability to pull you in by it's cinematography alone is what makes it memorable. This along with music, can create an image the viewer never forgets. (as you can probably figure out, I highly recommend this movie.)
Watching this movie was a perfect escape from the rest of the world. Right now my life consists of playing mom to a family of 5 kids while their parents are out of town. Unfortunately this family isn't the Cleavers, so they have a set of problems and stresses all their own. It's hard to come in unaware of the issues and feel comfortable in an environment like that. So let's just say the escape was a welcome one.
On a lighter note...wait does anyone have a lighter note?

Yawns and other such news...

Do we yawn because we're tired? I guess scientists say it's because we aren't getting enough oxygen to our brains. I'm not sure how we could stop getting enough oxygen, I mean, we're breathing aren't we? So why have I begun to yawn so consistently at work. Unfortunately, people seem to think I am sleep deprived or bored. I say neither. In all of the instances in which I have yawned I have never once felt super sleepy, and am usually quite interested in what the other person had to say. And yet, they still came, a group of yawns in spades.

In other news....Megan is now home for the summer. What essentially made me more excited than anything up at school, was the fact that summer was coming. It's what got me through finals. However, since I've been home I've wanted nothing more than to move back to Logan. I mean don't get me wrong I love being at home, it's just that there is a such a feeling of empowerment being on your own and now that I'm here, that feeling has started to decline. Now, it's a new sort of feeling, one that I'm not quite used to having yet. Also, what are the rules for living at home now anyhow? Do I ask my parents permission to go out with friends or do I just tell them I'm going out? What is my curfew? Do I even have a curfew? Can I bring friends over to the house, or not? These are things I had no problem dealing with in Logan because I made the choices. But now I'm living with my parents...have the rules changed?

The Substitute People

For those of you who have no idea what the title of this blog means, let me enlighten you. My favorite movie of all time is Elizabethtown. In this movie two characters who are obviously right for each other keep trying to justify NOT being together. Neither of them can commit to each other the way they are meant to, because they are both too afraid to take the risk and jump in. They claim that they are the "substitute people" the ones you count on to hold you over until you meet the "right person." The reason I even bring this is up is because lately I've been feeling like everyone's substitute person. Not necessarily just as far as relationships with guys goes, but also with friends and even family. I am that person that everyone leans on until they find somebody better. I think that's been the story of my entire life. I'm at the point that I'm certain that I don't take enough risks. I am so safe if I stay the way I am, no way to get hurt right?

And so it begins...

I have now begun my first ever blog. I am slightly nervous because I don't like to write anything that isn't interesting or exciting. Who would want to read a blog about nothing? Well I guess you would, because you are reading it right now. But don't worry, I won't judge. I finally caved to the blogosphere. Is that even a word? Anyway, I am now here on this page, very excited to commence this new phase in my life. I must give kudos to my dear friend Abby who helped me begin building this page you see before me. I'm not sure why I decided to begin this, but sometimes we all do things for strange reasons. You will see more of my strange decisions as time goes by, because I make a lot of those... the journey begins.